I Don't Want to Be Susan Anymore
by NonbinaryNewt
Summary: How one could imagine LaFontaine came out to their best friend, Lola Perry. Also, just how devastated was LaF after Perry deadnamed them and called them a freak in "The Standard Issue"? (S.1., Ep. 26). TW for deadnaming/misgendering and alcohol usage
1. Chapter 1

Susan LaFontaine sat on their bed, their legs curled under them and their laptop sitting comfortably on their lap. The slightly-glitchy computer screen (a result of one or two science experiments regarding the inner workings of the computer's circuits) was open to a biology assignment that had been assigned four days ago, but Susan had other thoughts on their mind. And besides, they had enough time tomorrow to quickly complete the assignment before it was time to submit it online.

Perry had stopped talking to them. After the two had gotten into an argument over the ethics of reanimation of dead consciousnesses, it seemed to have ended with her refusing to speak to them while she went off and buried herself in another one of her cleaning projects. And while Susan couldn't care less about which type of bleach was the best to clean the grout of their floor's communal showers, they definitely wished that Perry would be as invested in them as she was with her cleaning supplies.

Susan, or LaFontaine as they found they had taken a liking to being called- had been friends with Lola Perry for as long as they could remember. And yet, after all the time the two had spent together it still felt like Perry didn't seem to want to be bothered with all the chaos that Lafontaine seemed to find themselves in.

Susan had been mulling over their identity for quite some time; _she _had come out to Perry as bisexual back in high school and Perry had been more than supportive- but _they _didn't know how they'd manage to tell Perry about their gender identity. Every time they thought about saying something they felt as if they'd just swallowed a live bomb; their stomach would feel as if it were ready explode at any second, and the hammering of their frantic heartbeat in their ears would make it impossible for them to get any words out of their mouth.

Even with the new girl Laura and her more-than-possibly-a-vampire roommate Carmilla- people who hadn't even met them before and likely wouldn't even question someone asking them to use gender neutral pronouns -Susan had missed their chance thanks to Perry jumping in and throwing around "Susan" and "She" like it was nothing. Truthfully, LaFontaine knew that, to Perry at last, their best _girl _friend Susan's pronouns weren't even a question. Which was why LaFontaine needed to get it together and just tell her why they had been so distant lately. Tell her why they changed their phone background to a yellow, white, purple and black striped flag. Tell her why they had stopped wearing the blouses their mother had gotten them, and why they had started binding their chest.

Tell her that they wanted her to use they/them pronouns.

A tiny voice in the back of their brain told LaFontaine that they were just making this all up, that they were just a confused butch lesbian and that they could just keep letting Perry and everyone else use female pronouns for them. It wouldn't be any different than the rest of their life so far. They could handle it.

But then they thought about never getting to put on their binder, about never having anyone see them as anything other than a girl, about never getting to see if gender neutral pronouns would make them feel as happy as they thought that they would make them. They were unsure of so much, but everything about their scientific studies told them that you had to test your hypotheses or you'd never know if they were correct or not. Telling Perry about their pronouns was just part of the scientific method. Yes, that made this whole ordeal seem a little more manageable.

LaFontaine screwed up their courage, and after taking a few breaths and closing their laptop they got off their bed and went off in search of Perry.

* * *

They found her completely engrossed in scrubbing god knows what off the floor of the bathroom, and LaFontaine couldn't help but wonder how long Perry had been sitting on the floor under the row of sinks.

"Uh, hey Perr."

Lola Perry, while she did genuinely enjoy cleaning and didn't see a problem with enjoying things, was currently using her Lysol and sponges as a way to avoid all the icky feelings that were swimming around her head. She'd been struggling with feelings of…_attraction _to a certain red-haired biology major. Less friendly-best-friend feelings and more of pining-crushing-wanting-to-kiss-you feelings; and Perry had absolutely no clue what to do with these sensations. Her solution, at the present moment, was to just throw herself into anything that didn't put her into close proximity with Susan.

However, Susan was currently standing behind her and clearly wanted to talk.

Perry decided to just pretend like was too involved in her cleaning project to hear her.

LaFontaine, on the other hand, was growing desperate- and if they had to wait much longer for Perry to talk to them they were considering just dropping the issue and bringing it up another time.

"Uh…Perry?"

Now she felt horrible- and she knew that she couldn't continue to ignore Susan; feelings or not, she was her best friend- and Perry feigned surprise as she turned around to look at her.

"Susan! I-I didn't see you there."

LaFontaine fidgeted slightly with their shirt collar.

"It's okay… Ah, listen Per…can we talk for a sec?"

Lola Perry's heart began to race, and she nearly bumped her head on the sink she was sitting under as she got to her feet; gathering her cleaning supplies as the two headed back to their dorm.

* * *

"Of course, Susan. What's the matter? If this is about the squabble we had earlier today I can ensure you that I'm not one to perpetuate disagreements longer than is necessary and-"

LaFontaine looked up at her, and they must have looked panicked enough for Perry to realize that they had something very important to say.

"…Hey, what's wrong? Susan, you can tell me."

LaFontaine felt like they were going to throw up. _Come on, LaFontaine… Just SAY IT already. _Perry opened the door to their dorm and LaFontaine made a beeline for their bed, sitting down on it and crossing their legs. They took a breath, realizing that they were too anxious to sit and got up instead, pacing around the dorm room as they tried to make something, _anything _come out of their mouth.

"Did you know that kangaroos can't walk backwards? Apparently it's due to the heavy musculature that makes up their tails, and while they can't walk backwards they sometimes hop backwards while fighting. Isn't that weird?"

They continued pacing, barely looking up at Perry at all and trying to force themselves to keep talking.

"A-and there's also crocodiles, who can't lick or stick out their tongues because of the structural makeup of their jaw and mouth muscles."

"Susan."

"_Also _there's several species of fish that can willingly change their sex and reproductive organs based on how many males or females are present at the time. It's just like *poof* they're a different sex and none of the other fish care because they do the exact same thing, and it really makes you think about how gender is really just a social construct and how if fish can do that why do people make such a big deal about humans doing that, right? Because in the animal world sex is really just a determiner of survival- and since humans are at the top of every food chain ever it doesn't really make sense that we have to adhere to these strict rules and guidelines based on what's in our pants…"

"_Susan."_

"I-It's LaFontaine, actually." They spit out anxiously, stopping pacing and finally turning to look at their best friend.

"What?"

"I-I want you to call me LaFontaine. L-Like a nickname…Except all the time."

Perry took a moment.

"…Alright."

LaFontaine beamed, receiving enough encouragement to continue their rant.

"A-And since we're on the subject, I wanted to talk to you about my…pronouns."

"Your what?"

"M-My pronouns. I know that you call me Susan and when you talk about me you call me a girl and-"

"-Because you _are _a girl and your _name _is Susan."

LaFontaine grimaced.

"Y-Yeah, I know, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about; because recently I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of research and a lot of experimenting and, well…I-I just don't think that I'm a girl.

Perry looked at them, eyebrows raised. LaFontaine couldn't read their current emotion for sure, so they just decided to keep talking as they sat down beside her on the bed.

"But I'm not a boy either. I just, I feel really weird when people call me a girl because I just don't feel like I fit the label of "Girl" and even though people tell me I'm "pretty" and even though I was born biologically female it doesn't mean I feel like that's really authentic and true to me. I want to just be myself as a person and not have to worry about being a girl or a boy because I don't feel like I'm either of those things. I'm just _me._ A-and I know that this is a lot and I know it'll take a long time to get used to but I just wanted to tell you because you're my best friend and it's been killing me carrying this junk around and not being able to talk to you about it."

They finished their word-vomit-esque rant and looked up at Perry expectantly. She fidgeted her hands in her lap, staring down at what LaFontaine assumed was a dusty spot on the floor. In reality, Perry was trying to figure out what to say.

She had known Susan…LaFontaine for a very long time, and if there was one thing Lola Perry was not good with it was change. Sure, their best friend had always been a little…unconventional, but Perry didn't think that Susan's refusal to wear anything feminine and her desire to cross-dress almost every Halloween when they were kids made her _not _a girl. Was that why Susan insisted on calling her "Perry"? Was it because she secretly hoped that Perry would call her "LaFontaine"?

Perry knew all about nonbinary gender identities and knew very well what LaFontaine was asking of her, but she didn't feel like she'd be able to be the kind of friend LaFontaine needed right now. Right now, Perry was trying to come to terms with the potential loss of her friend Susan and the sudden appearance of LaFontaine's gender identity as the elephant in the room. She could understand a person wanting to identify as neither a boy nor a girl, and she'd certainly do her best to try and support any person who told her this- but why was it different with Susan? She was still madly in love with her, and the matter of LaFontaine's gender made this whole business that much more uncomfortable for Perry.

"Uh, Per? You've been really quiet…"

"Oh! Sorry, I just…I…" Perry frantically searched her mind for something, _anything _to say that wouldn't let Susan know how shaken she was by all of this.

"I'm _so glad _you decided to tell me, uh, LaFontaine. And you'll always be my best friend too."

Perry enveloped them in a hug, hoping that LaFontaine couldn't feel their heart beating out of their chest.

"No matter what, I'm here for you."

LaFontaine pulled away, smiling.

"Thanks Per, I don't know why I was so scared to tell you this."


	2. Chapter 2

"_You won't even let me call you Susan anymore!"_

"_I don't want to BE Susan anymore!"_

"_Well that's too bad. She was my friend. I don't even know who you are anymore."_

* * *

After she'd had a meltdown about the whole vampires-kidnapping-girls-centuries-old-conspiracy weirdness that has been going on at Silas, Perry had lashed out at LaFontaine before storming out, probably to go angrily clean something.

They had been content with reminding Perry about their name, convincing themselves that she just needed time to adjust- but after metaphorically ending their friendship and storming out of Laura's room after calling her Susan for the last time, LaFontaine didn't know _what _to feel. They couldn't blame her for never using gender-neutral pronouns because they had never asked - they'd only gotten around to asking her to call them LaFontaine- which was clearly something that she felt was completely unnecessary as far as they were concerned.

LaFontaine blinked back the tears that began pricking at their eyes, unable to move from Carmilla's bed in the dorm that she and Laura shared. They stared at the wall, feeling Laura's eyes on them as they tried to push all the feelings they were feeling as deep down as possible. After a brief conversation ending with a movie night being scheduled for that night, LaFontaine headed to the Life Sciences building to collect themselves before their sleepover in Laura's dorm.

When they got to the Biology wing, LaFontaine made a beeline for the women's room. Locking themselves in a stall, the sat down on the toilet and dropped their head into their hands; finally letting all of their feelings out. They didn't want to admit it, but they cared more than anything about Perry; and it hurt so much to know that she didn't want them in her life. They just wished Perry could accept them for who they were.

They sat there like some kind of loser, crying in the bathroom until they decided they needed to stop feeling sorry for themselves and start doing something to get their mind off Perry.

Unfortunately, LaFontaine had never been one to handle emotion very well.

* * *

LaFontaine sat on the floor of Laura and Carmilla's dorm, a half-empty water bottle filled with lemonade and tequila sitting on the floor beside them. They closed their eyes, feeling the full effects of their inebriation as the room began to tilt and shift under them.

They didn't hear the door open.

"Laf?"

Laura found the incapacitated and unresponsive biology major slumped against Carmilla's bed, and her immediate response (thanks to her past co-habitation with Betty) was to put them to bed and make sure they weren't in danger of choking on their own vomit in their sleep. That was her instincts talking- but nothing had prepared her to find the most put-together and unemotional member of their ragtag band of vampire hunters passed out drunk on a dorm room floor. Had they been conscious, Laura was sure that Laf would have argued that this whole escapade itself was purely "for science;" but Laura knew otherwise.

"Laf, hey. Come on, let's get you something to drink that isn't… whatever you were drinking."

She had readied herself to have to drag LaFontaine to their feet- but after a few shakes they stumbled to their feet with little assistance, clearly drunk but still coherent enough to try and pull themselves together.

"I-m'fine Frosh, don't worry about me."

"Well, I wouldn't be worried; except _you're _the one who decided to get roaring drunk in _my _dorm!"

Laf paused a moment, trying to will their brain into forming a coherent argument for their reckless behavior. Sober, they could talk themselves out of nearly anything- but the alcohol severely inhibited their brain power. All they could think of was Perry and their argument, about how they couldn't go back to their dorm without feeling like they'd been hit in the chest with a bag of rocks, about how they felt like they didn't belong _anywhere._

"I'm'fine."

"No, you're not!"

Laf couldn't bring themselves to look Laura in the eye- they didn't want to admit to her how messed up they felt, but at the same time they had no one else to go to. They half-tripped, half-sank into the mattress of Laura's bed, staring down at the floor.

"Perry hates me."

At the very thought of Lola Perry, LaFontaine clenched their jaw- feeling tears begin to prick at their eyes.

"Oh, Laf," Laura sat down beside them, reaching her arms around their shoulders in a comforting embrace.

"She doesn't hate you. She couldn't hate you… You're just… going through a rough patch, that's all."

"She hates me because I'm genderqueer," they mumbled, fidgeting with the hem of their Silas university sweatshirt.

"She thinks I'm a _freak._"

Laura's heart broke for them, and she couldn't help but feel a little bit of animosity towards Perry for reducing LaFontaine to a drunken mess; all because of her inability to accept their newfound identity.

"You're _not _a freak. Okay? Laf, you're so smart and cool, and _so_ _brave _for wanting to be who you are; no matter what Perry or anyone else thinks."

LaFontaine sniffled, rubbing at their eyes with a sleeve of their sweatshirt sleeve as Laura enveloped them in a hug. The two of them sat like that for a while, LaFontaine crying silently into Laura's shoulder as she tried to hug the sadness out of them.

Finally, when their head had stopped spinning quite so much and they were sure they had spent enough time with their face buried in Laura's cardigan, LaFontaine pulled away.

"Thanks a million, Frosh," they laughed dryly.

"Think I'll be staying away from the alcoholic beverages for a while."

"You sure you'll be okay?"

"…Yeah," LaFontaine got to their feet, shakily, and ran a hand through their hair. Their eyes were a little redder than usual, and the tear tracks down their face were fairly evident- but they flashed her a half-smile; almost as if they were trying to convince themselves that they would indeed be alright.

"I-I'll be okay…eventually."


End file.
